I don’t like to vent when I am in this state of mind, but it is better suited on here than other places. I am so sick and tired of being taken advantage of. All I ever do is clean up after him, cook for him, and do him other favors… and yet he just yells at me whenever I interrupt him on his little “hacking” website. Does it matter that I have been around longer than them? Does it matter that I care more about him? No, absolutely not. I don’t know the computer things he talks about so I take the back seat, and when I say he yells..he really yells. What am I wasting my life on? I keep telling myself that I love him, and I do. I just don’t think he even knows the meaning of the word. There is more in our history than can even be put into words. I do his laundry every week, dishes, etc, and still go to work to help with the payment on his new truck… What do I get? Is it wrong of me to want just a little? One or two days a year that he opens up, shows affections, and acts like he cares can not possibly be enough. It shouldn’t/can’t be. I deserve more.. especially when it takes him being drunk to tell me that I matter. Where do I draw the line? God please help me for I am alone, I love him with all that I am and it hurts me. Maybe age is to blame. I don’t know… Just God please, please help me. 6 years in…. I’ve explained all of this. Maybe I am not the only one fooling myself. I am feeling way beyond sad.
Love, really is it that hard?! So who cares about our “gods” or our practices? I have not ever learned of a religious or spiritual teaching that is not all about love. None of us have ALL the answers. We may think we are superior, but that is just our ego. Let your heart and soul speak… LOVE…. FORGIVE… LIVE and let live. I think all of this is far more simple than anyone has made it. God, or allah, etc. We each have our God. I don’t see what there is to fight about. I love all, as God loves me. Words get in the way, take a moment to feel. What others feel from other religions… that is what you feel about “your” God… It is all the same and glorious. I love it. I’m not kidding, every day that I wake I say “Thank you God for this day, my life, and everything in it.” I have noticed an OCD about myself, I do things in multiples of three. The more I count, the worse it gets. I’m not completely out of my mind, I assure you.
It has been a while, as usual. I have come many miles in the journey of life since I last wrote. I’ve learned that even when life is bad, it isn’t that bad. A lot of life is not about what you want to do, but what you have to do. Attitude is everything, and if you think it will be terrible then it will be. But if you look at it as something you cannot change things are different. Lean on God even when you feel like He doesn’t hear you. He is there, and He blesses beyond what we deserve.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Hello again, October of last year I was talking about my weight and how I knew I had to do something. Well, guess what…I didn’t do anything. Even if I tried I just fell off the wagon again. But the good news is I am now going to the weight loss clinic and it helps me control my appetite. I’ve been on the diet pills and watching what I eat for half a month now. I will not weigh myself for fear that I have not lost anything. I go back in about two weeks to weigh in and get more of the medication they are giving me. I’ve allowed myself to splurge with eating some things I want at times. Probably a little too much, but at least I don’t feel like I am depriving myself. I really feel like this go around I’m not focusing so much on how much weight I am losing and at what rate I am or am not losing it. I am really just changing my habits. I don’t need to live to eat, just eat to live. Sure food is enjoyable, but it is not what my sole enjoyment is centered around. I’ve been keeping the house much cleaner these days and in general feel like I am taking better care of myself. I have to keep telling myself that I didn’t get fat over night, so I can’t get skinny over night either. It’s about making changes for the long haul. So I suppose I will check back in soon to tell of my progress or lack there of.
I have had a problem with my weight for what feels like forever. (all actuality it has only be about 2 years) I was thin and very physically active in my childhood and teenage years. Once I got married, that changed. I stopped being so active and I started eating more. I don’t have the slightest idea why. Maybe I just got too comfortable. All I know for sure is that I am the fattest I have ever been in my life. I have tried to change my eating habits before, only lost about 15lbs, and was right back to my old ways. Something has to give though. My self confidence has taken a severe drop from what it once was (and I didn’t think it could get any lower to start with), I am concerned for my health (my heart in particular), and I am just plain unhappy. So I am giving weight loss another shot. What feels like the millionth time I will have tried. I pray that I don’t fail again because I don’t know if my determination will come back after this. I feel like I’m at the end of the road, and from here it branches off. One way, I can be fat forever and probably die young because of it. And the other way I can be thin, active, and happy. It’s really a no-brainier what has to be done… I am just so afraid to fail again. I know I will feel hunger pains for a while. After all I will be drastically reducing my portions. How bad do I want it is the question. I haven’t weighed myself in a while (and don’t really want to). So I am going off what I knew i had to lose last time i tried to lose weight. I have 80 pounds to lose. That feels like so much, but i have to keep telling myself that other people in the world have more to lose than that. Sure some people have less to go to reach their goals, but some people definitely have more. keeping the old me in mind, the one I was when I would wake up at daylight to go running…. I can do this. I can so do this.
So much has happened since the last time I made an entry here. My husband and I moved out of our apartment and into a bigger place. I have made the decision to be a stay at home wife. We had a guy living with us for a while. He really took advantage of us and wouldn’t get a job, so we had to ask him to leave. We have made the same old mistakes and some new, but we are still standing. That is the most important thing, I guess. I have been struggling with my faith. I guess I shouldn’t say with my “faith” because it’s not like I doubt God or all He can do. I have just been feeling increasingly guilty for my wrongdoings. I am scared that He isn’t hearing my prayers anymore. I wouldn’t blame Him. I can’t expect God to stay by my side when I do things I know are wrong. I just have a lot to work on. Most importantly, I need to get closer to Him. God and Jesus are the only two stable things I have in my life. The Lord is the only thing that makes this life worth it, and I can’t sit back and let myself mess up the only thing that really matters. I just don’t really know where or how to start making myself better. I am an alcoholic. Turning down a drink is one of the hardest things. I cuss way too much, I am a glutton, I covet what is my neighbors, I am lazy, and I am sure there are more that I am overlooking. I’ve been thinking about taking a vow of silence for a while. Until I feel like I have regained my closeness with Him. I think it would also help me to take a serious look at who I am on the inside, and evaluate what needs to change. After all, the Bible does say “…Therefore let thy words be few…” -Ecclesiastes 5. I figure that means to Him, and to others. I think a lot of people get caught up in petty conversations, and forget to be mindful of what they are saying and thinking. We will see if God gives me a sign that a vow of silence is what He wants me to do. Thanks for reading.
Please listen to this song. It is truly inspirational and will touch any Christians heart. Especially those struggling like me. <3
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I recently had someone call me irresponsible. Then the told me I should try to act as mature as possible. Now I will not lie, this had me a little upset. But I know that I do not have to feed into any argument. I did not say anything in response to these hurtful comments. There are a few quotes that I think hold some meaning on this subject.
“To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.” ~Will Durant
“‘Tis better to suffer wrong than do it.” ~Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732
“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ~William Shakespeare
To sum it up, I can not think of any justifiable reason that I should let anyone have influence on my emotions. I don’ t love my self for all that I am, but I know that I am at least worth respect. I have plenty of qualities to be proud of, and I know that no matter how many negative things are said about me that I will still just be who I am. And I like me just fine.
Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged”