I am sitting here at the guard shack in silence. I love this job because there is so much “me” time. However, it can be hard, sitting by myself for long hours with no one to talk to. Sure I can message someone online, or call someone if they are awake, but even doing those things can’t blot out all the hours of silence. Even music starts to just feel like a filler. Only so much time alone can you distract yourself from. There is a lot of time to think about myself. How to make myself better? What I do and do not like about me? Where is my life going? What have I done wrong? Why are we all here? What’s at the edge of the observable universe? You name it and I have probably had thoughts about it. I feel like I am losing my mind, but I strangely enjoy the depths of it all. I suppose that is all for now. I hope to write another entry soon, but with me it is hard to tell.
It is frog dodging season. lol. I came home at 1 AM (luckily there was no traffic on my 10 minute drive) I was swerving to miss those froga’s everywhere. lol. I don’t know about you but putting an “A” at the end of things is so cute for me. Doga, Froga, haha, I am silly. I saved a salamander that would have gotten run over at work. Then when I got home a carbonated beverage burst in my car… I laughed. The compensation for doing good isn’t always good. The response you give things matters. This world is far more simple than people realize. We make things complicated for ourselves. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and realize that the things we find most tormenting are so simple. “A grain of sand on the beach” as my mother always said.❤ I love you all, truly, no matter what. =)
He is always with me (God); every day I pray. I am blessed a thousand times over, and I feel I am blessed more than I deserve. I think the complexities and/or simplicities of life are brought on by ourselves, and to ourselves. I do not know yet if the way mankind thinks is over the top or vastly lacking in its understanding, but I will say this, so many are off. It at times seems so simple to me, other times there are far too many levels to account for. All I know for certain is of my own knowledge, and therefore not a lot, we do not know what we think we know. Arrogance in such matters is foolishness. No one knows all… Language and understanding gets in the way (definitions of words can have different meaning to others), so I say we must be blissful in certain ignorance… For it is all we could hope to achieve.
I don’t like to vent when I am in this state of mind, but it is better suited on here than other places. I am so sick and tired of being taken advantage of. All I ever do is clean up after him, cook for him, and do him other favors… and yet he just yells at me whenever I interrupt him on his little “hacking” website. Does it matter that I have been around longer than them? Does it matter that I care more about him? No, absolutely not. I don’t know the computer things he talks about so I take the back seat, and when I say he yells..he really yells. I just don’t think he even knows the meaning of the word love. There is more in our history than can even be put into words. I do his laundry every week, dishes, etc, and still go to work to help with the payment on his new truck… What do I get? Is it wrong of me to want just a little? One or two days a year that he opens up, shows affection, and acts like he cares can not possibly be enough. It shouldn’t/can’t be. I deserve more.. especially when it takes him being drunk to tell me that I matter. Where do I draw the line? God please help me for I am alone, I love him with all that I am and it hurts me. Maybe age is to blame. I don’t know… Just God please, please help me. I am feeling way beyond sad.
Love, really is it that hard?! So who cares about our “gods” or our practices? I have not ever learned of a religious or spiritual teaching that is not all about love. None of us have ALL the answers. We may think we are superior, but that is just our ego. Let your heart and soul speak… LOVE…. FORGIVE… LIVE and let live. I think all of this is far more simple than anyone has made it. God, or allah, etc. We each have our God. I don’t see what there is to fight about. I love all, as God loves me. Words get in the way, take a moment to feel. What others feel from other religions… that is what you feel about “your” God… It is all the same and glorious. I love it. I’m not kidding, every day that I wake I say “Thank you God for this day, my life, and everything in it.” I have noticed an OCD about myself, I do things in multiples of three. The more I count, the worse it gets. I’m not completely out of my mind, I assure you.
It has been a while, as usual. I have come many miles in the journey of life since I last wrote. I’ve learned that even when life is bad, it isn’t that bad. A lot of life is not about what you want to do, but what you have to do. Attitude is everything, and if you think it will be terrible then it will be. But if you look at it as something you cannot change things are different. Lean on God even when you feel like He doesn’t hear you. He is there, and He blesses beyond what we deserve.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Hello again, October of last year I was talking about my weight and how I knew I had to do something. Well, guess what…I didn’t do anything. Even if I tried I just fell off the wagon again. But the good news is I am now going to the weight loss clinic and it helps me control my appetite. I’ve been on the diet pills and watching what I eat for half a month now. I will not weigh myself for fear that I have not lost anything. I go back in about two weeks to weigh in and get more of the medication they are giving me. I’ve allowed myself to splurge with eating some things I want at times. Probably a little too much, but at least I don’t feel like I am depriving myself. I really feel like this go around I’m not focusing so much on how much weight I am losing and at what rate I am or am not losing it. I am really just changing my habits. I don’t need to live to eat, just eat to live. Sure food is enjoyable, but it is not what my sole enjoyment is centered around. I’ve been keeping the house much cleaner these days and in general feel like I am taking better care of myself. I have to keep telling myself that I didn’t get fat over night, so I can’t get skinny over night either. It’s about making changes for the long haul. So I suppose I will check back in soon to tell of my progress or lack there of.