“I am living for a future that never gets here, with memories from a past that doesn’t matter.” That was literally my thoughts before work tonight. The depression that I have been in recently is ridiculous. I decided to pull out my Bible (it’s been way too long), to try and find a solution to this hideous and inexplicable hopelessness I have been feeling. I saw the term Spiritual Blackout in the front referring me to different bits of reading that might help. I was curious, what is a “spiritual blackout?” So I googled it. I think that is what I am experiencing. Some sort of weight I am carrying around whispering in my ear that life is meaningless, and I am insignificant. I am trying to figure out what it is that God wants me to be learning from this struggle. There has to be a lesson behind my suffering. I haven’t figured that part out yet. Maybe just that He wants me to have faith and cling to Him. Gladly! Because obviously walking this life on my own is something I cannot handle. My brain convinces me of so much that is “wrong” with my life. I’m just going to take this day by day and try to have stronger faith that this will all be okay. He has a plan. I will trust in Him.
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I am sitting here at the guard shack in silence. I love this job because there is so much “me” time. However, it can be hard, sitting by myself for long hours with no one to talk to. Sure I can message someone online, or call someone if they are awake, but even doing those things can’t blot out all the hours of silence. Even music starts to just feel like a filler. Only so much time alone can you distract yourself from. There is a lot of time to think about myself. How to make myself better? What I do and do not like about me? Where is my life going? What have I done wrong? Why are we all here? What’s at the edge of the observable universe? You name it and I have probably had thoughts about it. I feel like I am losing my mind, but I strangely enjoy the depths of it all. I suppose that is all for now. I hope to write another entry soon, but with me it is hard to tell.
It is frog dodging season. lol. I came home at 1 AM (luckily there was no traffic on my 10 minute drive) I was swerving to miss those froga’s everywhere. lol. I don’t know about you but putting an “A” at the end of things is so cute for me. Doga, Froga, haha, I am silly. I saved a salamander that would have gotten run over at work. Then when I got home a carbonated beverage burst in my car… I laughed. The compensation for doing good isn’t always good. The response you give things matters. This world is far more simple than people realize. We make things complicated for ourselves. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and realize that the things we find most tormenting are so simple. “A grain of sand on the beach” as my mother always said. ❤ I love you all, truly, no matter what. =)
He is always with me (God); every day I pray. I am blessed a thousand times over, and I feel I am blessed more than I deserve. I think the complexities and/or simplicities of life are brought on by ourselves, and to ourselves. I do not know yet if the way mankind thinks is over the top or vastly lacking in its understanding, but I will say this, so many are off. It at times seems so simple to me, other times there are far too many levels to account for. All I know for certain is of my own knowledge, and therefore not a lot, we do not know what we think we know. Arrogance in such matters is foolishness. No one knows all… Language and understanding gets in the way (definitions of words can have different meaning to others), so I say we must be blissful in certain ignorance… For it is all we could hope to achieve.
I don’t like to vent when I am in this state of mind, but it is better suited on here than other places. I am so sick and tired of being taken advantage of. All I ever do is clean up after him, cook for him, and do him other favors… and yet he just yells at me whenever I interrupt him on his little “hacking” website. Does it matter that I have been around longer than them? Does it matter that I care more about him? No, absolutely not. I don’t know the computer things he talks about so I take the back seat, and when I say he yells..he really yells. I just don’t think he even knows the meaning of the word love. There is more in our history than can even be put into words. I do his laundry every week, dishes, etc, and still go to work to help with the payment on his new truck… What do I get? Is it wrong of me to want just a little? One or two days a year that he opens up, shows affection, and acts like he cares can not possibly be enough. It shouldn’t/can’t be. I deserve more.. especially when it takes him being drunk to tell me that I matter. Where do I draw the line? God please help me for I am alone, I love him with all that I am and it hurts me. Maybe age is to blame. I don’t know… Just God please, please help me. I am feeling way beyond sad.
Love, really is it that hard?! So who cares about our “gods” or our practices? I have not ever learned of a religious or spiritual teaching that is not all about love. None of us have ALL the answers. We may think we are superior, but that is just our ego. Let your heart and soul speak… LOVE…. FORGIVE… LIVE and let live. I think all of this is far more simple than anyone has made it. God, or allah, etc. We each have our God. I don’t see what there is to fight about. I love all, as God loves me. Words get in the way, take a moment to feel. What others feel from other religions… that is what you feel about “your” God… It is all the same and glorious. I love it. I’m not kidding, every day that I wake I say “Thank you God for this day, my life, and everything in it.” I have noticed an OCD about myself, I do things in multiples of three. The more I count, the worse it gets. I’m not completely out of my mind, I assure you.
It has been a while, as usual. I have come many miles in the journey of life since I last wrote. I’ve learned that even when life is bad, it isn’t that bad. A lot of life is not about what you want to do, but what you have to do. Attitude is everything, and if you think it will be terrible then it will be. But if you look at it as something you cannot change things are different. Lean on God even when you feel like He doesn’t hear you. He is there, and He blesses beyond what we deserve.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.